"jesus was a black squirrel from queens, who had a rough time because of his name. most people would ask him to perform miracles; turning water into wine and all sorts of other bullshit that he couldn't do.
he was a fucking squirrel not the son of god.
every fucking day a new asshole would approach jesus. he felt bad for those fuckers but there was nothing he could do. he pretend to bless people just so they would shut up.
jesus wasn't even religious he was a fucking squirrel.
one day things got really fucked for jesus. a bunch of fanatic groups held vigils around his tree in queens. jesus had had enough and told everyone to bug off and get a life.
he was fucking pissed. ever see a squirrel pissed?
the next day jesus purchased a pistol. he came home after picking up some nuts from the crazy lady in the park and decided he was going to put a stop to all this sillyness.
the black squirrel inserted the pistol into his mouth and began to squeeze the trigger. before the hammer cocked back, jesus had a vision. the vision told him to turn the gun on the assholes in front of his tree.
and so jesus stepped out in front of the gathering and he opened fire.
god bless you."
(remexendo nos meus cds de back up, achei esse texto de 2003 que, infelizmente, não sei de onde tirei. procurei, sem sucesso, no google.)